This is freaking me out...

Today's reading from "My Utmost for His Highest," Oswald Chambers:

February 5th: ARE YOU READY TO BE OFFERED?

"Are you willing to be offered for the work of the faithful - to pour out your life blood as a libation on the sacrifice of the faith of others? Or do you say - 'I am not going to be offered up just yet, I do not want God to choose my work. I want to choose the scenery of my own sacrifice; I want to have the right kind of people watching and saying, 'Well done.''

It is one thing to go on the lonely way with dignified heroism, but quite another thing if the line mapped out for you by God means being a door-mat under other people's feet. Suppose God wants to teach you to say, 'I know how to be abased' - are you ready to be offered up like that? Are you ready to be not so much as a drop in a bucket - to be so hopelessly insignificant that you are never thought of again in connection with the life you served? Are you willing to spend and be spent; not seeking to be ministered unto, but to minister? Some saints cannot do menial work and remain saints because it is beneath their dignity."

In recent weeks, I've been re-opening up my decision to leave Lithuania this year. Re-probing my reasons and justifications. And then this reading. "Am I ready to be offered up... to be abased"?

Absolutely not. I do 'want to choose the scenery of my own sacrifice.'

Ouch.