In the meantime, in-between time...

Tomorrow, I’m off again. Which means today I’m doing some of my favorite things – folding clean laundry, making packing lists, deciding which 2 (or 3 or 4) books get to accompany me on the journey, checking things off my lists, creating new music playlists for my Ipod, and compiling travel documents. And thinking about my hopes for the next 3 weeks of travel and time with close friends.

The last couple weeks here in Klaipeda have been a struggle to remain, or to come, awake to my life here. Most days it has been me and the cat lying around the apartment in pajamas until mid-afternoon, when I’ll go for a walk, meet friends for dinner, watch movies, go to the beach. There have been few internal reverberations that echo with God’s voice or His Spirit. I have not been happy about this.

But, one thing I am happy about is that I have felt God’s absence (or as Denise Levertov put it in one of my favorite poems, “not you, Lord, it is I who am absent.”) To feel a lack is to know there should be something to fill that lack.

So, when I think about what my hopes for the next couple weeks are, I know that I want to feel God’s presence rather than His absence. I have two flights, a day in London, 36 hours on a train, and lots of bus hours ahead when I’ll be “alone.” Fortunately, this past year, each time I have traveled from one place to another, I have had a hyper-tangible sense of God going with me and before me. I have found Him in airport prayer chapels and German train stations and customs lines and in the words of fellow travelers on airplanes and in the words of songs accompanying my journey. When I am in these in-between places, I feel held by God.

I know that I am held by God, that He is present, whether I feel it or not. Still, this is one great reason I love travel. It makes actual, tangible what we usually know only metaphorically – that we’re all in-between. We’ve left one place and not yet arrived at our destination. And the only thing to do with the time on that journey is to know the heart of the One leading us.

O Lord, guard my heart,
And guide my steps,
my tongue,
my days.

A picnic on the Spit with the summer dorm-dwellers, Ambrose, Sniazhana, Nadia and Maja. I can't wait 'til all the students are back in September! 

New (old) poem here.

Sea Festival

This weekend in Klaipeda is the Juro Svente, "Sea Festival." I'm not exactly sure which sea it celebrates - the sea of people that fill the streets, or the sea of beer that is consumed by those people! It's quite a different Klaipeda than the winter - imagine a state fair, with craft booths, mini-donuts ("spurgos"), street musicians, and carnival rides, but spilling into the cobblestone streets of a European town. It's like Disneyland on a movie set... with a lot of trash. :)

Fireworks kick off the festival on Friday night 

The evening concluded with Anna Dintamen, Sarah Detrich, Sarah Schoolcraft and I dancing to folk music and African drums in Teatro Aikste. Beware, dancing on cobblestones is treacherous on the ankles!

I found this somewhere, can't remember where, but I love it...

"I will rise and I will stand,
getting off of my knees and my hands.
I will walk as You lead,
and look beyond what I can see.
I will speak from my heart
and not let pride tear truth apart.
I won’t fear another man ‘cause he is dust just like I am.

I will learn as I go,
test the things that I think I know.
I will love without return,
light my fears on fire and watch them burn.
I will hope in unseen things,
and I will dance when my heart sings.
I’ll believe just like a child,
let my fondest dreams run wild.

I will rest for a short while then I’ll go another mile.
I will be what I believe and I will give as I receive.
I will choose without regret
cause rolling dice is a coward’s bet.
I will seek for what is real,
not let pain teach me how to feel.

Cause in this journey when the night is done,
I will set my face towards the sun.
I will not look back. No, I will not look back."

True Confessions: Sloth

It sometimes amazes me how many different ways there are that Satan can take me hostage. (And of course I let him). And he is clever enough that often it is not outright temptation or sin that capture us, but rather, simple distractions. He doesn’t need us to get caught up in sin if we’re simply caught up in inconsequential and meaningless things. Those are just as effective in distancing me from God’s voice

Those of you who have lived with me over the years know that I am easily addicted to TV shows (remember the X Files pathology anyone?). I can plop myself down in front of the television and not get up for hours. I have always despised this behavior in myself, which is why I have been so glad in Lithuania that we don’t even have a TV at my apartment, and I’m generally much too busy to even bother with it. Well, when I got back from Ukraine last Monday, my roommate revealed that she had acquired all 5 seasons of a show called ‘24’ on DVD.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, I will just say, the show is just about as addictive as crack. And thus, this past week, instead of spending time doing what I know God wants me to – to write about my time in Ukraine, to think and pray, reflect – I watched two entire seasons of the show in a space of four days.

Emerging somewhat bleary-eyed from a coma-like state of entrancement last night, I began to think about that fact that sloth is one of the seven deadly sins, one which I can easily find myself mired in. Being back in Klaipeda this week, without many people around during the day to spend time with, with a big blank slate of an agenda most days, I have found it easier to run toward any distraction presented to me rather than to simply face being alone, just being with God and listening to Him. TV is medication, avoidance, a sinking down into a place of non-thinking so that I’m numb and passive. And so, in that sense, isn’t it just like a drug? No worse or better than alcohol or porn or whatever else people turn to to distract them from dealing with the facts of their everyday existence. It’s just that this is a more socially acceptable drug in Christian circles.

And these meaningless, inconsequential activities that occupy our time and thought-lives are exactly what Satan uses to keep me from hearing God, from seeking Him. And this is exactly why I find it is so important for me to write here, on the blog, and in other ways, because I know that when I write, I am paying attention to my life, not just allowing myself to be distracted and lulled to sleep. Knowing that I should be honest here is like a small form of accountability! So, thank you for being my confessors, even if I don’t know who you are or if you’re reading. Just by reading, you’re significant to me and to my walk with God.

Congratulations

On June 29th, my little brother Joel David Charles Stewart asked his girlfriend, Oliva Joy Alber, to marry him! This means I'll be toting myself back across the pond sometime in late October for their wedding. Yay! I get a new sister!

Entrance to Camp VIRA, NADIA, LUBOV (Faith, Hope, Love). Below is just a sampling of pix from the week. More are avaliable at my Flickr site (those are sort of heavy on our Kiev days 'cause we've all already exchanged pictures from the camp week), but they give you a flavor!

Ira and Masha with girls from their cabin groups 

My first encounter with Ukrainian Salo, or "fat on bread," a staple snack of our team gatherings this week, and sort of the camp mascot. One of the cabin groups went by the name "Salo" and many new songs containing the word were created over the week! 

After the ferocious, and extremely fun, water fight between campers and counselors on Thursday afternoon! 

Rowing and swimming on the nearby river after the campers departed on Saturday morning 

Group day trip to Kiev, getting our feet (and pants and skirts and faces) wet in the fountains in Liberty Square!  

Kiev, Liberty Square, where the Orange Revolution took place last year 

At last...

I am home! I swear, I am not going anywhere for a long, long time. Okay, well there is that little excursion to see friends in two weeks, but...

Stay tuned for pictures and updates regarding the mission trip to Ukraine. Short version: awesome. :)