Well, since I’m sitting at this computer wasting time by reading every blog I ever read, checking if there is anything new on the magazines I read, calculating and recalculating the cost of plane tickets for the summer, I guess I might as well get around to updating this.
[Insert typical “it’s the end of the school year!” madness excuse for not blogging here.]
Okay, that felt good.
It has been a few weeks of feeling tossed up in the air, and I’m beginning to feel that slightly discomforting, melancholic feeling that accompanies the end of a school year. I don’t know why it is, but at the end of a semester, I always feel just a little bit insecure. Like, we suddenly stop our routines and forward motion and realize that this academic cycle is just a game we’re all agreeing to play. And when you strip away the piles of papers that I’m perpetually marking, there’s an insecure little person underneath. And she doesn’t always know how to evaluate the usefulness of her own life and ministry once you take her to-do list away.
This kind of disorientation is not a bad thing, but it can be unsettling. Which probably explains why last week I got hit with the biggest wave of homesickness that I have yet battled since getting here. Unfortunately, it was also accompanied by an equally large wave of self-pity, which left me too proud to pick up the phone and actually call many people. Oh no, I want to be pursued by my so-called friends. It is not always MY job to initiate, right?
This is crazy talk, I know. But I have never claimed to be emotionally stable, have I? Sigh. In the midst of this end-of-year tumultuousness there have been discouragements – work stress, plans for the baptism of two students that fell through, racial attacks against students of mine – and I have found myself wishing that there were close friends around to cushion the blows of discouragement when they come.
I guess this is where the homesickness comes from. There is a preciousness to being with people who love you. Who you can openly cry with. Who will let you vent and rant and be frustrated, and then give you some needed perspective. I have needed perspective.
It is a sign of how worn out I am that I almost turned down a job I was offered last week. It is a job teaching academic writing with a summer program in Istanbul, Turkey. In short, it is an amazing opportunity, working with great people, in a city I would love to get to know. However, I had to really step back and pray and ponder whether I am emotionally able to step out in another adventure this summer, or if I should rather just soak in the love and blessing of being with people who love me. Of being home.
It was not an easy decision. I, honestly, am full up on adventures. I realize that living in Istanbul, Turkey for a month probably seems like the epitome of exoticness and excitement. For me, it just means another month in a place where I don’t know the language and in which I’ll probably get tired of avoiding eye contact and thinking I should cover my head.
Sometimes I cannot believe my life and where God has taken me. At times like this, I feel like I am along for the ride. I dislike feeling like this. A lot. I like to feel like my life has a plot, but I just seem to be getting further and further away from any sense of home, belonging and community that my soul desperately wants.
How is that for honest? I had a good cry over accepting this job. I stood in the forest near the Giriulai beach and cried my eyes out, yelled at God a bit for the way I seem to keep having to give up what I want most. This time, it’s giving up my time with friends this summer. I need them. Loving them and receiving their love is not a bad thing.
But, my life is not my own.
And that’s it, isn’t it? My life is not my own to plot or plan or pace. I know that going to Turkey for this month of July is another open door, to people and contacts and connections that He wants me to reach with His love.
Oh, but I need to feel it too. Need it fully.
