Dancing a Jig in my Kitchen

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, "this is the way, walk in it." - Isaiah 30:21

I was awakened by a phone call this morning. Walking to the kitchen to answer it, I assumed it might be the Lithuanian college recruiter, calling to talk about the application I sent on Saturday evening. No, it was a woman from one of the colleges I checked in with last week - one of the colleges that had told me they'd already scheduled the first round of interviews, and I should expect a rejection letter in the mail. She was calling to set up an interview.

What??!

Okay, so what is God trying to tell me by this? Now He's just toying with me! Not that I am complaining, at all. I just think it is supremely hilarious that I've spent the last four days having long, soul-searching conversations with friends, looking into these overseas positions, questioning my addiction to American ideals of success, etc, etc.... only to be handed back the possibility I'd just relinquished. I feel like I've been Kierkegaard's Knight of Faith, and have gone through both movements of faith in one weekend. Movement 1) Renounce the world and all its attractions for the sake of Christ. Give them all up. Movement 2) God gives them back to you. "and All these things are added unto you."

Reading my devotional book this morning, the writer was talking about really loving God and letting go of your own will. Sometimes I think I am more eager to try and serve God than to learn what it is to love Him. What does that kind of love look like? I mean love that isn't motivated by sneaky bargaining tricks with God, that is love out of duty or obligation, but love that is all-consuming. I don't think I know my God the way I sometimes pretend to. What I think He expects of me, in terms of a life surrendured to Him, has less to do with what I DO than with how well I know Him and love Him. Why is that harder?