Application

[Ok, so since in my most recent phone conversation with my mother, she threatened to put an ad in the newspaper in order to find me a date for one of the numerous weddings I have to attend in the next two months (presumably a want-ad conveniently positioned between “Found Dogs” and “Massage Therapist for Hire”), I have no choice but to take matters into my own hands. As I promised earlier, I present the following:]

Application to Be My Wedding Date

Part A: Fill in the Blank

Name ____________________________
(if it’s Bubba, Brock, Cody or any two-word variation along the lines of Billy Bob, continue no further)

Age ____
(between 23 and 37 preferred. Younger and I appear cougarish, older and I feel like I’m dating my uncle)

Availability: _______________________________________________
(days of service requested: May 16, June 8, June 15 and/or June 28 in the Colorado area)

Special Skills: _____________________________________________
(You may elaborate or attach a Resume. And yes, I know all about your nunchuk, bow hunting and computer hacking skills.)

Last book you read well enough to converse politely about ______________________
(Dude, if you say the Bible, you’re just trying too hard and I will see right through it)

Part B: Check YES or NO to the following:

Able to find Europe on a map? YES/NO
(I was going to say Lithuania, but hey, that is asking a bit much, even for Europeans)

Will raise an eyebrow if I have a second piece of cake? YES/NO

Willing to create a diversion while I escape the flower bouquet toss? YES/NO

Will you match my dress? (Periwinkle)
YES/NO

Part C: Musical Taste

Circle the types of music you could be cajoled into dancing to
AND Put a Star next to the types of music you would join me in mocking
(some genres may result in more than one possible answer)

Disco
80s Power Ballads
Celine Dion
Michael Jackson
Country Western
Bluegrass
40s era pop (al la Sinatra, Billie Holiday)
Oldies
Anything from the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack
Zydeco
Soft rock songs about daddies watching little girls grow up
ABBA
EuroPop
Clay Aiken
Swing
NeoSwing
The Chicken Dance

Part D: Essay Answer

In a well-organized and fully developed essay, please discuss the influence of 17th century Welsh metaphysical poet, Henry Vaughan, upon 1980s TV hero MacGyver. Reference to Vaughan’s Silex Scintillans and details of the complete oeuvre of MacGyver’s seven year run is expected for full credit.