It's very, very late, and it looks like a bomb has gone off in my room. I am in total denial about both the fact that 1). I have to pack and 2). I will be in Istanbul, Turkey tomorrow (well, Tuesday). Tonight is one of those Colorado nights full of crickets and stars, cool and soft. Several friends spent this last evening with me at my parent's place, and we watched the sun go down behind the mountains, laughed, and watched an owl fly to a perch on our neighbors roof.

I tried to think of a mythological symbolic meaning for seeing an owl - I've never seen one in real life (outside a zoo) before, and since this is a night before I leave, I felt like I could make it mean something. Maybe it means impending doom. Maybe it means I need to seek wisdom. Maybe it means I should follow the owl's path and I will be well... or some other such hokum. Instead, I think I should just take it for the beautiful little gift it was. A beautiful detail of a beautiful night, something to fill me up before I start another journey.

I don't feel ready. I feel more full of fear than I should. Instead of it getting easier to come and go and come and go, it's getting harder. My heart yearns more strongly for a home. But none of that changes the fact that Monday evening, I get on a plane and leave. I know that I can't conjure up the right state of mind or heart to be prepared for these next weeks. I am utterly dependent on the Lord to do the work in me and through me that I can't do for myself.