Deep breath, and … breathe.
The dust from my flurry of marking seems to have settled a little, and I’m still alive, and brimming with thoughts/anecdotes I want to share here. I have felt guilty about not writing and sharing here as much as I did last fall, although I’m in quite a different state of mind than I was then. A friend last night told me that I’m exhibiting classic “Year 2 at LCC” symptoms, which felt simultaneously patronizing and exactly on target. I think it was her way of saying that this year I’m a bit more, shall we say, open-eyed, than last. (I hope that’s not code for “cynical”!). And that is natural – the longer you’re in a place, the more you see the cracks, and have ideas for the ways you’d like to fill them.
Professionally speaking, this has led to me taking on some tasks on top of my regular schedule. This semester I’ve also made it a priority to try and get exercise at the pool, and also to work on my own writing projects, and to continue with both Russian and Lithuanian tutoring, and to stay consistent with the Women’s Fellowship nights. You can see why I’ve felt guilty for letting the blog slide a little!
One thought I’ve been having often lately is about how much of the time I feel a sense of “social obligation” - a sense that I should go to this party, or this event that my friend planned, or participate in this campus activity. But when I stop to think about how it makes me feel to go, or how I feel once I’m there, I usually just feel anxious about how much work is piled up at home that I should be doing instead! I hate feeling socially obligated, but when you are a real friend, that means that you often have to make relationships and time with people a more important priority than your to-do list. It’s a vicious cycle for me at times.
And in the midst of it all, I just long to have a clear sense of what God is telling me to do. How does HE want me to spend my energy? What constitutes being selfish and reclusive, and what constitutes needed alone time for prayer and rejuvenation? These questions get answered differently for everyone, and it’s often hard to hold the line on what you know is right for you may not be right for everyone else. Listening to God is key.
And so, today is the first Sunday of Advent. I love Advent. I really wish I could cobble together some sort of Advent wreath and gather my friends around to read about the angel candle, the star candle, the shepherd candle…. This morning’s sermon was on John the Baptist, and how his ministry was all about preparing a way for Jesus. I want my time and energy, and my work and teaching, to be about preparing ways for Jesus to come into people’s lives. And a lot of the time, I think that preparing a way for God simply means that I have to get my SELF out of the way and let Him in. I have to clear away the things that keep Him from moving. I even think that holiday busyness needs to be cleared away if I’m going to make space and place for God to enter. Right now, there isn’t much space for Him to occupy, and so He’s been creeping into that last empty place left in my schedule – those moments after I’ve turned off the light but before I fall asleep.
This week, I heard: “Be not afraid…. Be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.”
And from Luke 15, the Father’s words to the older son in the prodigal story: “My daughter, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.”
No comments:
Post a Comment